My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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