maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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