Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I pour the whiskey from now on
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
