i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
