She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
