I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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