I just pynch a tree in the face
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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