I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
