For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
