I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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