i just wanna soil my oats bro
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
