The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
