You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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