I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
