i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
