I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
