I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
