what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
