the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
