I hate all girls vehemently.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
