You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
