I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
