Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
