I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
