she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
