Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
