Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
