I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Randomize
