my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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