he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
