I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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