hotel room ftw
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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