I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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