I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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