Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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