I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
