The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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