I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
