Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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