just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
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I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
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He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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