i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
