my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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