remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
