I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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