My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I understand Curling. That high.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
