I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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