Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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