My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
