the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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