So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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