Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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