I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
