I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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