I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
