no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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