I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
