Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
